Aaaargh!! A Diet!!! Poke it with a stick!!!!!!!!!

A while ago, I wrote a post (in a now-extinct blog) about Crazy Ladies, some of which I feel I have to quote:
This is a description of one of my old regulars.

She comes to us roughly once a fortnight, give or take, flouncing her way in in an impressive collection of shawls and scents. Generally, she is polite, as these things go…. However, for the last couple of transactions, she has been irritable, indecisive, snappy, and generally unpleasant. Since she is a regular, and not a tourist, I calmly ride over this, in that manner that anybody who serves can achieve – the slightly aloof, you may have all the money but I have your food and I will ransom it kind of attitude. Towards the end of the second sale, I discover the reason for her bad behaviour. I’ve given her a couple of tasters by this point – slices that “just happen” to have gone wrong, and so on. Because, as my mother taught me, if somebody doesn’t seem right, feed them and see what happens. I fed her. Result: Lady x-x: “I’m so sorry I’ve been a little abrupt lately” understatement of the century, but no matter, it’s an apology “you see, I’m on a diet” and there it is “and there’s all this lovely food and I’m just so bored of fish…..” I point her in the direction of the expensive ham whose fat is reputedly “good for you” and steal more of her money. I tell her to look after herself, with genuine concern, as although she is irritating I don’t want her dead, and besides, she’ll stop giving me her money, and point out that we also have low sugar ice cream. She walks away laughing and I feel emotionally drained.
You see, this is why diets don’t work. And in my case…..
One: There was no discernable difference in her shape.
Two: She was a complete pain in the arse.

I can’t deal with people who diet. Well, I can, but I don’t want to. They’re just being silly. And ok, fair enough, if you feel like you’re a little bigger than you normally are and you realise that for the last month you’ve been eating crap and not moving, I can see how that old eating healthily and moving more thing might help. But otherwise? Er…. no!

So, when I was seventeen, not having proper meals, lounging around, hardly walking if I could avoid it, and then finally got myself a job, which involved a straight ten hours every sunday walking up and down stairs carrying baskets full of clean / dirty crockery, it’s no wonder my arse got firmer and less wobbly.
On the other hand, when my sister, who is now seventeen and eats well and dances and stuff, tries to diet, is it any wonder that it doesn’t work?

I’m a bit sad about that actually. Not the not-working bit.
She came to me the other day, bemoaning her “fat” state. She isn’t, of course. She just reads fashion magazines.

I now call upon the House to outlaw Glamour, Eve, Cosmopolitan, Red, She and any other stupid fucking drivel-purveyors to the masses.


One Comment on “Aaaargh!! A Diet!!! Poke it with a stick!!!!!!!!!”

  1. Kirsten says:

    My aunts, uncle and father have all been on and off diets for years. It doesn’t seem to have made much difference other than to screw up their relationship with food.

    I have their genetics, so odds are I on’t spend my life slim. And that’s OK.

    My plan is to find a form of exercise I like, learn to cook healthy meals I enjoy, and if I still end up obese, so be it.

    My uncle hasn’t eaten chocolate for nearly 4 years. I cannot and will not live like that.

    And he’s incredibly jealous – when I was eating a chocolate profiterole at the big family gathering on Saturday he made a snide comment about how my diet was going. Grrr.

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