Reposting: To the Good Guys, or, Frustrated

I originally posted this in March 2007, when both Kirsten and I were trying to explain the concept of creepy guys:

I am going to do something I didn’t think I ever would. Something I didn’t consider necessary.
I am going to wade into the “Creepy Men — Street Harassers” debate.

I would have been quite content to let Kirsten, in her eloquence and wisdom, deal with this, but I find I am unable to keep quiet. A problem which often afflicts me, as we all know.
In this post, and previously this one, she has very neatly summed up something which I believe affects many, many more girls that most men would have assumed.
I’m not going to bother explaining in detail what goes on; she has done an excellent job of it. I will however say that, at least in my experience, strange men approaching girls on the street is so common that they will generally not bother to mention it.
I only realised how much I didn’t mention when I told J to read those posts. It honestly hadn’t occurred to me that he wouldn’t know. But ask a few of your girl friends about it. I’d stake money on them having been approached, if not in the last week, then at least in the last fortnight.

Personally, these days I am much more likely to be approached by strange men while I’m at work. No, not when I’m working. When I’m in the staff canteen, eating. Or buying food. Or on my way down to the counter. Or on my way to House Stationary. Or in the kitchens.
The latest was a man I have nothing to do with in a professional capacity; he’s an information person who stands around telling tourists where they are. To my knowledge, it was the first time any man had attempted to chat me up in French. For the record, it was not any more sexy or welcome than it would have been had he been talking in English, or Spanish, or both, as I was. I was fairly irritable. I wanted to eat. And yes, it was less than a fortnight ago. But not much, so I’m probably due another cretin trying to get my attention fairly soon.

There was one comment that frustrated me beyond all reason. Hence the post title.

“But you’re an attractive woman; what do you expect?”

Before I rant, I would like to point out that I know it is not simply the fault of the individual. I do believe that it is our society that has created this problem. I don’t think this excuses their behaviour, however. Disclaimer aside…..

I expect to be able to walk down a street quietly, with no interruptions.
I expect to be able to do my work and take my breaks peacefully.
I expect the same amount of privacy any man would take for granted.
I expect to be able to feel safe when I am out alone.
I expect equality.

But instead I have had to learn how to react. What not to say, or do. Like the list below, which is by no means complete.

  • Any answer that prompts further questioning. One word, yes or no answers are best.
  • Any blatant rudeness. Because you can never tell what they’ll do about it.
  • Any obvious sarcasm. If they get it, see ‘blatant rudeness’. If they don’t – you have to explain it.
  • Any answer that suggests you are “available”. Kirsten’s creepy guy is not the only one to back off only on being told she is another man’s “property”, as it were.
  • Any answer that suggests a cliched fantasy. For example, even if it is true, never tell a creepy guy that you are a lesbian. He will at best not believe you and at worst find it a turn on, and either way you will end up arguing with him about it. The same goes for being under the age of consent and/or still being at school. By the way – this really happened to me. I had only just turned sixteen and had hoped that saying “I’m fifteen”, as I was wearing a deeply unflattering school uniform at the time, would put him off. The way his eyes lit up made me promise myself I’d never try that one again.
  • Stopping to talk. Never, ever stop. It gets harder and harder to stop arguing, and gives them your attention – exactly what they want. Very irritating.
  • Explaining that you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ partner/ overbearing father. Yes, I know, it sometimes works. But it’s not always worth it. I’ve learned to judge the situation. The most irritating response – “but I just want to be your friend”. Yeah, sure. That’s why you’ve followed me, complimented me on my looks, asked for my number. That’s a normal, healthy way to make friends. And the compulsion to say this, to mock, is so great that I try to avoid it.
  • Obviously blanking them. It’s wearing on the nerves and tends to antagonise them.

Would any man know these tactics? Would they be able to see the intention before any real contact was made? Would they know when to look down and avoid eye contact, and when to hold it? Would they know how to walk, to discourage attempts? Would they know what tone of voice to use? Would they know when to keep their face expressionless, and when to look annoyed? Would they know when to speed up, and when to continue exactly as before, pretending that the person attempting to attract their attention has had no effect on their behaviour? Would they know when to feel scared, and how not to show it? Would they know that how to react to a strange dog and how to react to a strange person are remarkably similar, if you want to avoid confrontation?
Would any man know just how often it goes on? Would they notice it if it were happening around them? Would they care? Would they intervene?

I have had to deal with unwanted male attention since I started secondary school at the age of eleven, first from boys around my own age, and, gradually, from older teenagers, men, older men, as I grew older myself. And in that time, only one person has ever intervened. I never knew her name but I remember her still, and I am profoundly grateful to her. I hope she does well, wherever she is.
It was so simple, what she did. She could see that some boys were bothering me. I hadn’t yet learned how to deal with it effectively. I was thirteen, they would have been a couple of years older. She must have been around their age. Would a man have been able to tell the difference between a group of guys and their female friend as opposed to a group of guys hassling a girl? I don’t know. I don’t think so. But she did. She walked straight up to me, saying “Becky! There you are! Come on, we need to be at this end of the train today…” and stunned the boys into silence, walking away with me. I was shaky and thanked her profusely. I never saw her again. I’ve learned a lot since then. I can get rid of men on my own, now. I just wish I didn’t have to think about it.

I am far too cynical to hope that it might change. I know it still goes on. I see it. I experience it. I just want other people to know that it happens. I want men – the “good guys”, the ones who wouldn’t do that kind of thing – to know that it happens. I want them to know that it doesn’t matter if the creepy guys ‘mean well’, or ‘don’t think of it like that’. It affects girls the same way, regardless. I want them to know that my physical appearance, or any girls’, is never a justification for what creepy guys do.

So, to any good guys, I’d say this:
Do you ever worry about what you’re wearing, thinking that it might be percieved as “slutty” and that you might therefore attract a lot more nutcases?
Do you ever feel tense, alone, thinking that you might be percieved as an “easy target”?
Do you ever deliberately make yourself ‘less attractive’ – baggy jumpers, ill-fitting clothes, scruffy hair – just to try to be certain that you won’t be approached?
Do you ever feel furious that you think or do those things at all?
Do you ever do things that you are warned are “dangerous”, just to prove to yourself that you’re not scared?

And if, as I suspect, you don’t, then spare a minute to appreciate that some girls do. Me, for one.

I feel all ranted out. Thankfully. For the moment.

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One Comment on “Reposting: To the Good Guys, or, Frustrated”

  1. Julie M. says:

    Thank you so much for that post


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