To Paraphrase Bill Bailey

This weekend, I was out in the pub with a few people from my maths class, including one guy we’ll call Mike, and another we’ll call Steve. Mike is tall, probably 6′ at least, and stocky. Steve’s build isn’t important, but what is important is that Steve is aware – and has been for some time – that I’m deeply feminist. He takes the piss, but never in an offensive way, and since I get the feeling that if he ever actually thought about things for two seconds he’d identify the same way, I don’t get angry with him. There’s better uses of my anger than that. Mike has only become aware of the feminism in the last few days; perhaps it was a mutual friend of ours leaning over to tell me that she’d had an afternoon that had made her want to scream “DAMN YOU, PATRIARCHY!” that did it.

And of course, in the pub, because Steve started it, we got chatting about feminism. And of course, Mike’s reaction was…


Mike: God, I’m gonna be terrified of sitting next to you now!

Me: What?!

Mike: Well – you might kick me in the balls…

Me: Because…?

Mike: … You’re a feminist…

Me: What the hell? What is this – I’m two different people now? I mean, objectively, we know that I’m 5’6″, considerably smaller than you, and if you wanted to beat the shit out of me, you could, but as a feminist, I’m ten foot tall, I’ve got lasers for eyes, I could kill you with my moustache! You know, as a feminist. Because that’s the way we roll.


The conversation moved on to bizarre facial hair after that little rant, so I leave you with Bill Bailey (unfortunately I can’t find a video, but this is the pertinent quote, viaWikiquote, and originally featured in Part Troll):

“There’s this one celebrity, Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: “I don’t know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it’s full of terrorists, speaking as a mother.” So what is this “speaking as a mother” then? Is that a euphemism for “talking out of my arse”? “Suspending rational thought for a moment”? As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! Speaking as a mother.”


2 Comments on “To Paraphrase Bill Bailey”

  1. Jet says:

    Hee. Thanks for that. I do like me some Bill Bailey.

    Of course I now have Kraftwerk Does the Hokey Pokey going through my head. That is … less than conducive to a productive working day. I’d best channel my Feminist Eye Lasers to make up for it.

  2. rhealm says:

    Hmm, I talk out of my arse all the time, though I do make an effort at some research before that. I was planning to read this bio on the founder of RAWA. It’s on my list.
    I wouldn’t want to be in Afghanistan either way.
    The most bizarre reaction I got was when I sent a can of mace through a boy to a friend as a gift because she lives in a city with a high percentage of crimes against women. He called her up and asked her why she was using it, like he was personally insulted that she should carry a weapon for self defense.


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