Today In “Let’s Make No Fucking Sense”…

Once again, MSN has done itself proud:

“Is size 14 the perfect body shape for women?”*

I have only one thing to say to this.


“Join me again next week on this episode of ‘let’s make no fucking sense’, when I’ll be waxing an owl…”

*link here, but it’ll eat your sanity points.


Random Phone Call

You know that your loved ones understand you when…

J: Hey, can I ask you a question that might make you go “grrrrrrrrrarrgh!!”?

Me: Yeah, go on then. It’ll do me good to have something to growl about.

J: Guess how much a bunch of roses is, two days before Valentine’s day?

Me: How many roses?

J: Probably twelve.

Me: Oh, at least £15.

J: Wow, not bad – they’re actually £19.50. But I could buy ten wooden ones for £1, if I wanted. Actually, I’m kind of tempted.

Me: Well, they’d last longer.

J: Shall I buy some?

Me: Sure, they can go with my fake sunflower.

J: What colours?

Me: What, they’ve got colours that aren’t red or pinkI?

J: Yep

Me: GAY PRIDE ROSES!!!!

J: *laughs* Ok.

Me: And lots of purple!


I think this can only improve the decor of my living room. And at least I can’t kill them like I killed the evil potplant.


Well, I Feel Suitably Feminine

My blood donor records now have a special note on them, asking whichever nurse I see to make sure I lie down for 5 minutes after I’ve finished donating, lest I do what I did the first time and collapse twice.

I was very well behaved this time round, and didn’t feel faint once. That came later, when I was in a bookshop, having convinced myself that I was fine this time. I think perhaps I destroyed my feminine credentials by immediately dropping everything I was holding and sitting down on the floor. In the fantasy section. Which wasn’t decorated in pink.


Words of Wisdom from my Mother

“Just because somebody belongs to a minority group, that doesn’t mean they’re capable of rational thought”


I’ll have to make this into a sampler, I think, and hang it on my wall, so that the next time I’m shocked to hear (for instance) that a group of lesbians have told a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man that “as soon as [she] finds a nice girlfriend, [she]’ll become a real lesbian” I can look at it and keep calm. Instead of (for instance) telling the lesbians that, if that’s true, all they need is a good boyfriend each to make them into real straight women.


Words of Wisdom

My mother told me today about one of her friends, who is remarkably credulous when it comes to the latest Heath Crisis That Will Totally Kill Everybody!!!1! (TM). Said friend asked her what she was going to do about the threat of death by Swine Flu.

“Look both ways when I cross the road”, replied my mother. “I’m far more likely to die in a car crash.”


Another Nail In The Coffin

Because I am a wind-up merchant, occaisionally I have conversations with J that go something like this:

Me: Hey, I had a thought.

J: Oh?

Me: Well, you don’t want to divorce me, right?

J: Um, no…

Me: Well, I’ve worked out a way to make sure that your odds of divorcing me are zero.

J: How?

Me: Don’t marry me. As soon as you do, you’ve got a 45% chance of divorcing me by the time we’re 50.*

J: Bloody statisticians.


*This argument, admitedly, would work better if J didn’t like a pointless bet every once in a while.

On an entirely different note, today I roasted a whole chicken all by myself, and it is definitely cooked properly and smells yummy. (I got a bit enthusiastic with the lemon.) I am very proud though, as I’ve never done it before. I’m having some for dinner tonight and the remains will no doubt haunt the rest of my week as I try to work out how many reincarnations of the same meat you can actually eat.


I Have An Answer!

Not a very good one, admittedly, but I do at least have one.

So, you know how there’s that bingo-worthy saying, “I don’t see colour”?

And you know how there’s a trend for advertising towards men to use all of the shades of the black/grey/white/silver spectrum?

Maybe it’s true!

Maybe, the reason that advertisers don’t use actual colours to advertise to men is because they are advertising primarily towards white men who are likely to say “I don’t see colour“! The advertisers are therefore targeting a more specific demographic than it would first appear: the demographic of racist, mindless, male douchebags!

For example, Lynx. They have a white man surrounded by white women to sum up the brand on their website. I think my assumptions are reasonable.

I am a genius.


In other news, because I am a maths geek, it turns out that any numeric palindrome of the form ABBA – like 1331 –  is divisible by 11. This pleases me, because it was worth 4 marks in my exam. And also because it makes 11 a more useful number.