In Which Art Imitates Life

Well, I say art. I mean an advert for a song I heard on Spotify. So, remember how there was that thing about sexting a while ago? Well, it must all be ok now, if we’re meant to be judging by this song. Lyrics under the cut, because they annoyed the fuck out of me, and sometimes people want to be warned before they see something deeply annoying.

I could do some actual feminist commentary on this, but basically, my thoughts boil down to this:


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Turning Navel Gazing Into An Olympic Sport

Students. They have parties, apparently. I know this, because there is one in my flat.

Therefore, I am hiding.

My (nice) flatmate was all dressed up and clearly Entertaining, with a capital E. Which made me sticking my head round the door to talk to her about vegetables a bit weird, to say the least.

However, she didn’t seem to hold it against me.

And, on the plus side, I have been playing all kinds of good music to drown out the yelps. Yelping is, it seems, some kind of required activity. It must be, because people do it outside my window too, when they’re feeling particularly merry. So far on my playlist:

  • Revelry – Kings of Leon
  • The Killing Lights – AFI
  • The Heart of Everything – Within Temptation
  • My Favourite Game – The Cardigans
  • I Need A Holiday – Scouting For Girls

Every time I do these kinds of playlists, I feel like my taste in music is getting increasingly eccentric. For example, the songs above can be blamed on my sister, Llencelyn, J, one of J’s friends, and my sister (again). This becomes more strange on imagining all of those people present in the same place at the same time. The gathering would suffer from jetlag, for one.

What I need now is something by Ian Dury so that Kirsten could be at my crazy virtual party. Or I could claim that Fairytale of New York (the Pogues and Kirsty Maccoll version) could be her contribution. Sam would have a somewhat amusing choice of either Linkin Park or MC Hammer, and Lee has introduced me to Jim’s Big Ego.

What I’ve actually got now is Stray Cat Strut (Stray Cats), which at least means I get to say hello to my father!

Friday Night

Friday night means that the women in the flat below mine are playing traumatic music at high volume.

At the moment, we’re all listening to Britney Spears.

I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve this.


Oh, good grief. We’re now on Mariah Carey. It’s like that, y’all.

Music hasn’t been this bad since I stopped working in the kitchens with Virgin Radio on all day. They had a playlist of about four, and coincidentally, both of the songs that have just been played were on it.

Well, It’s Been A While

Another fluffy offering, I’m afraid, but it amused me. And it’s been at least six months since I’ve done this last, I’m sure.

So: music on random play; use the songs to answer questions. There used to be 25, but I cut it down to 17, partly because some of them were silly and partly because 17 is a nice number.

1. What do your friends say about you?
Stab My Back – All American Rejects. This is so not a good thing!

2. How would you describe yourself?
The Finish Line – Snow Patrol. So I’m “a good place we should start”. Huh.

3. What do you like in a romantic partner?
My December – Linkin Park. “I’d give it all away/ to have someone to come home to”.

4. What is your life’s purpose?
Angels – Within Temptation. Do I take “you were my saviour in my time of need” or “the smile as you tore me apart”?

5. What is your motto?
C’mon Everybody – Stray Cats. Heh. “I’ve got some money in my jeans and I’m really gonna spend it right”. I wish!

6. What do you think about the most?
Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol. “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” is a totally reasonable thing to think about the most!

7. What is your life story?
Rebels Rule – Stray Cats. That’s fantastic! “Teenage rebels rule rule rule!”

8. What do you think of when you see the person you like/love?
All The Small Things – Blink 182. Because size matters. Hah! Ahem. I mean, obviously I think about all of the nice things you do for me…

9. What describes your wedding?
Walk – Pantera. “Is there no standard any more?”

10. What will they play at your funeral?
She’s Electric – Oasis. “She’s got a family full of eccentrics”. Hahahahahaa!

11. What is your obsession?
Dirty Little Secret – All American Rejects. *shifty eyes*

12. What is your biggest fear?
untitled track – Oasis: “I don’t feel as if I know you”. Seems sensible.

13. What is your biggest secret?
Use Somebody – Kings Of Leon. “You know that I could use somebody”. Damn right.

14. What is your biggest turn-on?
Crawling – Linkin Park. But safe, sane and consensual, remember!

15. How do you describe your friends?
Hello Again – Lost Prophets. Awww.

16. What would you do with a million dollars?
Taking Over Me – Evanescence. I don’t think I’d like it very much, to judge from this!

17. What is your opinion of sex?
U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer. What? Sam gave me a CD with the song on! I’m still cool!

I know this turns up all over the internet, but this time, I was reminded of it by Jadelyn, a Shakesville commenter whose blog I got curious about. She has good songs on her playlist.

I Have No Need To Search For Misogyny

Because it normally finds me.

I was really enjoying the new Nickelback album. And then Last Contestant started playing.

First line?

“I judge by what she’s wearing …”

Well, that got my attention pretty fucking quickly, as you can imagine.

It didn’t get any better either. To be honest, it feels like listening to a troll singing. And that’s not a nice experience.

Have the full lyrics, with a Patriarchy – English translation:

I judge by what she’s wearing
Just how many heads I’m tearing
Off of assholes coming on to her

I have anger management problems caused by jealousy. I believe that the clothes this woman wears are entirely responsible for the reactions of others.

Each night seems like it’s getting worse
And I wish she’d take the night off
So I don’t have to fight off
Every asshole coming on to her

I am fast losing touch with reality, and feel that it is my right to respond with violence to any person I assume to be a threat. I believe the woman in question to be my property.

It happens every night she works
They’ll go and ask the DJ
Find out just what would she say
If they all tried coming on to her

This woman works in a bar or club, and many of the drunken men there also act in a manner that appears to treat her as property; but not mine. This bothers me.

Don’t they know it’s never going to work
They think they’ll get inside her
With every drink they buy her
As they all try coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

I believe that she will not be interested in advances made to her by other men. However, I am still angry that these men would think about this woman in a sexual way.

Here comes the next contestant

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?

I have claimed this woman. She is something that I own, and I have not given my permission for you to touch her. As my girlfriend, she has no autonomy and is not capable of telling you to fuck off herself; therefore, I shall do it for her.

I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
There goes the next contestant

I even fear the ladies
They’re cool but twice as crazy
Just as bad for coming on to her

I am terrified that my girlfriend might undermine my masculinity by leaving me for a woman. I also believe that, while lesbians may exist to serve as wank fodder for heterosexual men, it is crazy that they should exist in real life. Again, this causes me to doubt my masculinity.

Don’t they know it’s never going to work
Each time she bats an eyelash
Somebody’s grabbing her ass
Everyone keeps coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

My girlfriend is often sexually assaulted whilst at work. However, instead of advising her to take this up with HR, I have decided that the appropriate way to deal with this problem is for me to injure others. Although this is also a criminal offense and will not help the problem, it will reassert my masculinity and make me feel better. My feelings are, of course, the most important thing in this situation.

Here comes the next contestant


I’m hating what she’s wearing
Everybody here keeps staring
Can’t wait ’til they get what they deserve
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Although I am deeply angry that other people should stare at my girlfriend, I am once again blaming her outfit, rather than the people concerned. However, I am confused, since I also feel that the people staring deserve to be punished for their actions. I can only express this inner confusion with violence.

Here comes the next contestant

I wish you’d do it again
Each night seems like it’s getting worse
I wish you’d do it again
This time somebody’s getting hurt

There goes the next contestant

I am a NiceGuy (TM).

Thankfully, most of the other songs on the album are ok.

Well, there are references to stalking women (Follow You Home), the male ownership of women (Animals – “I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing”) and women as being willing to substitute sex for money (Rockstar – “the girls come easy”…”every good gold digger’s gonna wind up there/ Every playboy bunny”)…

But on the plus side, the other seven songs manage not to annoy me. And, to be honest, although I don’t listen to Follow You Home – it also fails for using the word “princess” – I can tolerate the Animals and Rockstar, because I can tune out one line of a song. Just.

Still. I’m very, very glad I only paid £5 for it. If I had to sum it up, I’d have to say…

Dear Nickelback:

Being respectful towards women; UR DOIN IT RONG